If you have taken care of a child, as
a parent, nanny, or baby-sitter, you have been in this situation. The
child is glaring at you, arms crossed, the majority of their weight
on one leg. Defiance is filling them, pushing their shoulders back,
making them stand as tall as they can. There are plenty of different ways to
react to this. Here are a few:
- You get upset.
- You yell at the child
- You run away
- You calmly ask them what's wrong
- You copy the child
You can most likely look at this list
and see what is the correct way to react. The question is, do we
always react in the right way?
Here is what most likely is going
through the child's mind. I'm mad. I don't want to talk to you right
now. Most of all, I want to see your reaction. Pre-teens and
teenagers are always testing you, to see your reaction. Your
infrequent 'I love you's' are not enough anymore. They want you to
prove your love.
Then enters the trying situation. If
you feel your anger getting a hold of you, do the proven best way to
get rid of anger. Pretend you're a fly on the wall. Take in
everything, and decide what is the best course of action. The best
thing to do is ask in a calm voice “What's wrong?” Don't add on
'honey' or 'baby'. Just ask them two words.
Usually they will tell you that
they're made because you didn't let them do something. I'm going to
take you into the mind of the child. In this situation, the child is
a twelve year old female.I will be the child, and you will be the
parent.
“What's wrong?” Della, the mom
asked.
Adriana crossed her twelve year old
arms over her chest. “You won't let me go to Brandon's party.”
Here's how you should react.
“You can't go to the party
because...”
What are your reasons to not let them
go? Is the party unsupervised? Are their drugs involved? Tell the
child the real reason. Make sure your reasons are legitimate. Are you
being overprotective? Are these reasons worth the anger? Your child's
age is a good thing to mull over. They can handle more than you
think. Give them your final, unchanging answer. Do so in a calm
voice.
Adriana tapped her foot while Della
spoke. “Come on. That's not going to happen.”
“It could happen.” Della
replied evenly.
“You never let me do
anything!”
There is one of the most used line that wavers a
parents stability.The immediate comeback is to argue. Don't enter
that situation. Step over the wire instead of getting entangled.
“I'm sorry, but you're going to
have to wait until the next party. Maybe then there will be adult
supervision.”
Adriana left angrily.
Your child will leave angry. There's
almost no going around it. But they will most likely not bother you
anymore on the subject. They'll get over it.
If your child remains angry for the
next few days, ask them again what is wrong. You may have to go
through the situation again. If you do, then provide a compromise.
Tell the child they can host their own party, or invite a friend over
for a sleepover. Decide on something together that you're okay with. You will overcome the obstacles together. Not alone.
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